Pigskin Ponderer Pillows

"I'll throw around the 'old pigskin' as long as the pig isn't still in it."

"Upon further review, the receiver did not establish a meaningful and personal relationship with the football, therefore it is ruled an incomplete pass."

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

"Football is too dangerous, Junior. Why not follow my footsteps in a safe sport - chasing investment yield?"

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

"If He didn't want us to eat it, why'd He wrap the whole thing in bacon?"

Football.

"So you found an enormous truffle and still you weren't happy."

'When they start calling you a splendid bird, you know you're in trouble.'

'My turn! Kick me next!!'

Stop the big guy!

'As you can see - it doesn't pay to badmouth the quarterback.'

Cultivating Toughness in Footballs.

"Yes, there will be questions but you're unquestionably the nation's most badass mom."

"Who's next?"

"O.K., let's see what all the fuss is about."

"What d'you say we try sneaking out before the last one?"

"I wonder if he's talking to me?"

'Don't ask me what play to call..I've only got a one year contract...you've got a four year scholarship...you decide what play to call.'

'Your grandfather is a cautionary tale, son. He quit school early and pinned all his hopes on an NFL career. But in the end, he was never used in a single game.'

This could be interesting...

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

"Wood-oven-toasted rosemary focaccia or traditional baguette?"

Square root of chicken is egg.

'Come on girls, can you at least pretend I rule the roost when the farmer is around...'

Wow! — this discredits all my theories.

'Happy Xmas!'

"I don't mind being butchered. But I can't stand the thought of my legs going in one box, my breast in another, my wings in another. . ."

'Milton, you really did make it to the other side!'

Midnight in Minnesota

"Which one of us is me?"

"I'm thinking about freezing my eggs."

'He destroyed his inner balance! ... Get the yoga coach!'