Pigskin Punster Pillows

'My turn! Kick me next!!'

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

"Football is too dangerous, Junior. Why not follow my footsteps in a safe sport - chasing investment yield?"

Football.

"Hallelujah!"

"Upon further review, the receiver did not establish a meaningful and personal relationship with the football, therefore it is ruled an incomplete pass."

"I'm afraid there will be more cuts."

Cultivating Toughness in Footballs.

Stop the big guy!

'As you can see - it doesn't pay to badmouth the quarterback.'

"O.K., let's see what all the fuss is about."

His Other Shtick

'Don't ask me what play to call..I've only got a one year contract...you've got a four year scholarship...you decide what play to call.'

"I'll throw around the 'old pigskin' as long as the pig isn't still in it."

'Shakin' bacon.'

'Your grandfather is a cautionary tale, son. He quit school early and pinned all his hopes on an NFL career. But in the end, he was never used in a single game.'

Midnight in Minnesota

Pork Sausage.

'I'm not the first visionary who's been accused of extreme optimism.'

'He destroyed his inner balance! ... Get the yoga coach!'

'Quit rushing me.'

"Holding superstar quarterback accountable—token penalty after the kickoff."

"I just had a horrible dream - I was wallowing in apple sauce."

"Why is this quarterback still playing?"

"Another meeting?"

'Am I crazy...or does this thing smell just like uncle Earl?'

'Now that's Hi-def!'

Another football season comes to an end.

"Oh look, honey, a touchdown. . . oops, that's not your team, is it dear?"

"Since you tithed from the 'net' and not the 'gross', you're going to Hog Heaven instead."