Phone Plan Philosopher Pillows

"Sure, he's ascended to a god-like state. But from what I hear, he's still on his family's cell phone plan."

"Did you remember to back up the last 4.5 billion years?"

"Philosophy Department. Why may I direct your call?"

Woman on the phone.

"The fourth horseman says that he will be late. He hasn't left the Old Testament yet."

"I'll have to put you on hold. I have a bite on the other line."

'Hello, Pastor Parker here. Thank you for calling moral support. Your call may be monitored to ... '

'I'm not convinced you need tranquillizers to switch phone provider.'

A Tree Grows In . . . Wherever.

"The time has come to reflect and ask ourselves... 'what would Jesus tweet?'"

Gawk

"Are you busy or are you at work?"

'You have reached the Heisenberg Institute - Calls will be answered in random order.'

Modern Poetry: Text Message Haiku

"You have reached the samaritans. If you are a farmer press one, a pensioner press two, small business owner press three...."

'I heard it was because of a broken charger.'

Reception - "Do you want to continue to 'hold' or do you want to call back later and 'hold'?"

'And I don't appreciate being left on hold,with Motorhead's 'The ace of spades'!'

'I can't believe I phoned my ex at 4 in the morning and go the wrong number. Still, if I look on the upside...it's lucky I didn't get the right number.'

"You're addicted to your phone and I think you need help."

"I tried being my own boss, but my wife got jealous."

"We can now tell the rest of the mice that after testing on lab humans, phones can be an addictive time waster."

Mavis didn't realise she was still on hold. . . !

"Instead of chanting 'Aum' can I keep texting 'Good Morning?'"

The Sequels

Gloria just called me an animal. Are you going to take that kind of an insult? ?

'This call may be ignored for sanity assurance.'

"Actually, can you just tell me what he said?"

"This isn't a sales call? Aren't all calls, in the final analysis, sales calls?"

'OK, I'll admit I have no people if you'll admit you have no people.'

"I have an app that gives me points for looking up from my phone."

"According to my Zip Code, I prefer non-spicy foods, enjoy tennis more than golf, subscribe to at least one news-oriented periodical, own between thirty and thirty-five ties, never buy lemon-scented products, and have a power tool in my basement, but none

Never fails. Stay in all week, not one call. Step out for an hour to preach...

'This call may be monitored for training purposes, and you'll understand why when the tech can't answer your questions.'

'What - No lift?!'