Pet Peeve Philosopher Pillows

"Why does she wait until I'm sleeping to knock the pencil around the apartment?"

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Pigeon Little

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

Reverse psychology

"Kindergarten, first grade,second grade, third grade...when do we get to retire?"

Beyond the known and the unknown.

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"My parents are going to pay for my education but I'm on my own for any attorney's fees."

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

'My imaginary playmate squealed on me!'

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

'It had taken some time, but the finding of a spaghetti junction brought immense satisfaction.'

'You're lucky. At least you know your troubles aren't psychosomatic!'

'My finger's stopped bleeding. I must have run out of blood.'

"...I want to find out whether there's any truth in the belief that money can't buy happiness."

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

"It Works For Us."

"I've done a lot of soul searching, and I've come to the conclusion that I should be thinking less about money and more about naked women."

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."

"Is it always so cloudy?"

"It's chic to be vulnerable."

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

Agoraphobic Explorer

'Well, that answers that age-old question. According to the tape, the chicken came first. . . which brings up another age-old question: is the last one a rotten egg?'

I lactate, therefore I am.

"My mum always said life is like a tin of cat food. You never know what you're gonna get..."

The end is near.