Pithy Philosopher Pillows

This should be good. Ben Franklin and Confucius are having an aphorism contest!

Papi's idea of a good father vs. Baldo's idea of a good father: family history.

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Pigeon Little

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

Eagle (The Divine Comedy).

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

Gunter Grass

Kid to fellow fisherman: 'Why do they stink like fish when they've been bathing this whole time?'

Reverse psychology

Passed over at the Inaugural Poetry Audition

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"Take your first left and then keep turning left until you eventually float to the top."

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

'My imaginary playmate squealed on me!'

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

Power/Expenditures

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Colin didn't really need a pocket-calculator...he already knew how many pockets he had!

'My finger's stopped bleeding. I must have run out of blood.'

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

"It's chic to be vulnerable."

"So anyway, I found a worm on the path the other day and carried it to safety. Then I hear: 'Hey! I was heading the other way!"

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."

'What do you mean, you're having second thoughts...?'

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

Fish Food

"Is it always so cloudy?"

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

"I got the grant! I'm researching whether money can buy happiness."