Pet Peeve Philosopher T-Shirts

"Why does she wait until I'm sleeping to knock the pencil around the apartment?"

Pigeon Little

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

Reverse psychology

"Kindergarten, first grade,second grade, third grade...when do we get to retire?"

Beyond the known and the unknown.

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"My parents are going to pay for my education but I'm on my own for any attorney's fees."

'My imaginary playmate squealed on me!'

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

'You're lucky. At least you know your troubles aren't psychosomatic!'

'It had taken some time, but the finding of a spaghetti junction brought immense satisfaction.'

'My finger's stopped bleeding. I must have run out of blood.'

"...I want to find out whether there's any truth in the belief that money can't buy happiness."

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

"It Works For Us."

"It's chic to be vulnerable."

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

"I've done a lot of soul searching, and I've come to the conclusion that I should be thinking less about money and more about naked women."

"Is it always so cloudy?"

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

Agoraphobic Explorer

'Well, that answers that age-old question. According to the tape, the chicken came first. . . which brings up another age-old question: is the last one a rotten egg?'

I lactate, therefore I am.

The end is near.

"No thanks, I'm vegetarian."