Pet Parent Laughter Pillows

'You could always say the dog ate your lesson plan.'

Al, why is my goldfish zigzagging? Perhaps sharing my beer with him was a case of misplaced generosity on my part.

"If man is my best friend, why is he giving me this crap to eat?"

The beautiful but deadly 'Venus dog trap'.

"My husband finally taught him to use the toilet but can't convince him to give up kitty litter."

"I told you not to let him out of your sight."

"Is our owner hot?"

-'Do you have a last wish senor?' -'Yeah, I'd like to pee on your leg.'

For Heavens sake - don't let your pet watch manga cartoons on TV anymore!

'I'll be darn lad when your mail-order waders get here!'

"I don't see myself as just a dog. I see myself as a Complete Family Pet System."

"I like the new scratching post so much better."

'I bark, eat, sleep, bark, eat, sleep, bark, eat, sleep! There has to be more than that!'

'This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you!'

'Well, it wasn't me.'

Tinder for dogs

'Maybe we should rethink this new dog door.'

'And when you want to go to the toilet would you please bark.'

"Quick, act casual."

'Any other symptoms besides difficulty in marking your territory?'

"What?"

"Honey! The puppy just placed a new water element on the floor. Do you want me to clean it up or just balance the Feng Shui with a fire element?"

'The fire brigade are on the way. But in the meantime, I'm totally posting this online.'

'Of course I never take you out - I can't see you wanting to cock your leg in the park!'

"We have a lot to be thankful for too."

Bad cat - Credit Card.

'Yes, I did watch three pay-per-view movies while you were gone. Just how long did you expect a ball of yarn to entertain me?'

"Are you trying to get me nicked."

"This is my place, and that's the guest house."

"I know this is going to hurt one of you, but you both can't be my log in password."

"Yes, our master named us Romeo and Juliet. It's kind of ironic though since we can't stand each other..."

"I'm sorry that Ted ever taught him to smoke. It's costing us a fortune!"

The Middle-Aged Dog. Wait – Why did I run into this field?

"Surely it's warm enough to take another dog off, dear."

'That's when he tries to sound like Pavorotti. Now here's how he sounds when he hits his finger with a hammer...'