Pet Parent Chuckles Pillows

'This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you!'

'Well, it wasn't me.'

"It's called 'salad,' but it's really just a hunk of raw meat."

"Oh, thank goodness! My food dish wasn't stolen. It was just being washed and refilled. Nevermind, officer."

The Middle-Aged Dog. Wait – Why did I run into this field?

"Yes, our master named us Romeo and Juliet. It's kind of ironic though since we can't stand each other..."

Al, why is my goldfish zigzagging? Perhaps sharing my beer with him was a case of misplaced generosity on my part.

"If man is my best friend, why is he giving me this crap to eat?"

K9 Literati.

'Could we go in ahead of you? His tranquilizer is wearing off.'

"You stop it, now!"

The beautiful but deadly 'Venus dog trap'.

"I told you not to let him out of your sight."

"My husband finally taught him to use the toilet but can't convince him to give up kitty litter."

"Is our owner hot?"

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

For Heavens sake - don't let your pet watch manga cartoons on TV anymore!

"I like the new scratching post so much better."

"I don't see myself as just a dog. I see myself as a Complete Family Pet System."

"Your offer to compromise has been rejected and your dog has been cast out."

'I bark, eat, sleep, bark, eat, sleep, bark, eat, sleep! There has to be more than that!'

'Well, I don't happen to believe you went there.'

'And when you want to go to the toilet would you please bark.'

'Maybe we should rethink this new dog door.'

'You could always say the dog ate your lesson plan.'

'Pet, we've got to talk.'

"Quick, act casual."

'Tell you what. Let's corner a cat and play 'good dog - bad dog'.'

Tinder for dogs

'Any other symptoms besides difficulty in marking your territory?'

Mouse guillotining cats paws which come through his mouse hole

'Of course I never take you out - I can't see you wanting to cock your leg in the park!'

'The fire brigade are on the way. But in the meantime, I'm totally posting this online.'

101 uses of a dead cat: wind vane.

"If she can find all the bones she's buried, she's my next investment counselor."