Pet Parent Chuckles Pillows

'This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you!'

"It's called 'salad,' but it's really just a hunk of raw meat."

"Oh, thank goodness! My food dish wasn't stolen. It was just being washed and refilled. Nevermind, officer."

"Yes, our master named us Romeo and Juliet. It's kind of ironic though since we can't stand each other..."

"If man is my best friend, why is he giving me this crap to eat?"

K9 Literati.

'Could we go in ahead of you? His tranquilizer is wearing off.'

"You stop it, now!"

The beautiful but deadly 'Venus dog trap'.

"I told you not to let him out of your sight."

"My husband finally taught him to use the toilet but can't convince him to give up kitty litter."

For Heavens sake - don't let your pet watch manga cartoons on TV anymore!

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

"Is our owner hot?"

"I don't see myself as just a dog. I see myself as a Complete Family Pet System."

"I like the new scratching post so much better."

"Your offer to compromise has been rejected and your dog has been cast out."

'I bark, eat, sleep, bark, eat, sleep, bark, eat, sleep! There has to be more than that!'

'And when you want to go to the toilet would you please bark.'

'Maybe we should rethink this new dog door.'

'You could always say the dog ate your lesson plan.'

'Pet, we've got to talk.'

"Quick, act casual."

'Tell you what. Let's corner a cat and play 'good dog - bad dog'.'

'Well, I don't happen to believe you went there.'

Tinder for dogs

'Any other symptoms besides difficulty in marking your territory?'

Mouse guillotining cats paws which come through his mouse hole

"Honey! The puppy just placed a new water element on the floor. Do you want me to clean it up or just balance the Feng Shui with a fire element?"

101 uses of a dead cat: wind vane.

'The fire brigade are on the way. But in the meantime, I'm totally posting this online.'

"If she can find all the bones she's buried, she's my next investment counselor."

'Of course I never take you out - I can't see you wanting to cock your leg in the park!'

'Now what?'

'Yes, I did watch three pay-per-view movies while you were gone. Just how long did you expect a ball of yarn to entertain me?'