Pet Parent Chuckle Pillows

'That's when he tries to sound like Pavorotti. Now here's how he sounds when he hits his finger with a hammer...'

"I'm sorry that Ted ever taught him to smoke. It's costing us a fortune!"

Al, why is my goldfish zigzagging? Perhaps sharing my beer with him was a case of misplaced generosity on my part.

"If man is my best friend, why is he giving me this crap to eat?"

"I'm not concerned about us as long as there is nothing in the stimulus package for cats."

"You stop it, now!"

The beautiful but deadly 'Venus dog trap'.

"I told you not to let him out of your sight."

"My husband finally taught him to use the toilet but can't convince him to give up kitty litter."

Stand-up comedy while you're away at work. 'What's the deal with fetching? ...And they expect you to run and go get it, so why did they throw it in the first place?' 'Ha! Ha! It's funny because it's true!'

For Heavens sake - don't let your pet watch manga cartoons on TV anymore!

"Is our owner hot?"

"I don't see myself as just a dog. I see myself as a Complete Family Pet System."

"I like the new scratching post so much better."

'I bark, eat, sleep, bark, eat, sleep, bark, eat, sleep! There has to be more than that!'

'This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you!'

'Well, it wasn't me.'

'You could always say the dog ate your lesson plan.'

Tinder for dogs

'Well, I don't happen to believe you went there.'

'Maybe we should rethink this new dog door.'

"Quick, act casual."

'Pet, we've got to talk.'

'And when you want to go to the toilet would you please bark.'

'Tell you what. Let's corner a cat and play 'good dog - bad dog'.'

'Any other symptoms besides difficulty in marking your territory?'

Mouse guillotining cats paws which come through his mouse hole

"Honey! The puppy just placed a new water element on the floor. Do you want me to clean it up or just balance the Feng Shui with a fire element?"

101 uses of a dead cat: wind vane.

'The fire brigade are on the way. But in the meantime, I'm totally posting this online.'

"If she can find all the bones she's buried, she's my next investment counselor."

'Of course I never take you out - I can't see you wanting to cock your leg in the park!'

'Now what?'

Bad cat - Credit Card.

'Yes, I did watch three pay-per-view movies while you were gone. Just how long did you expect a ball of yarn to entertain me?'