Pet Lover's Laughter Gifts

"What?"

'Table scraps, doggie-bag goodies, dropped hot dogs, the cat's dish of food and your master's slippers.'

'If you must know, yes, I do sometimes fake purring.'

"If man is my best friend, why is he giving me this crap to eat?"

Doggy conductor

"Right. Women adore him, men want to be like him, and YOU... well, you're hopeless. So, am I the ONLY one who sees through this guy?"

'Hey, I just mopped the yard.'

"Anatomy of a cat"

"I know I said, 'If there's anything I can do,' but I draw the line on licking your incision for you."

-'Do you have a last wish senor?' -'Yeah, I'd like to pee on your leg.'

'Well, would ya look at this, Martha? The dog's stealin' our cable. I told you this breed can't be trusted.'

'This is the last time I take the dog out for a walk!'

"Yes, it's embarrassing, but my master has a broken leg, so this is the only way I can go for a walk right now...

'I'll be darn lad when your mail-order waders get here!'

"Don't think of them as fleas. Think of them as your entourage!"

'Turbidity is pretty high today, better keep the kids inside...'

"As I near my 9th life, I feel I’m entering a post-curious, pre-fatalist phase of existence."

'You know that's not what I meant when I asked you to take the dog out!'

Cattery and kennels

Whoa, good thing you had an airbag!

'What obedience school did you say you sent him to?!'

'You can sniff out pet supplies on aisle five.'

'Just so you know, I've no intention of sharing a home with either children or cats.'

"A text? Since when did the dog stop barking when he wanted to come in?"

"So the vet says, 'If this is my thermometer, then where's my pen?' . . . Get it!? . . . IS this thing on!?"

"You're so spoiled! You have your favorite food and toys and you're still not happy! What more could you possibly want?!"

Tinder for dogs

Will act like an idiot for food.

Dog pointing to turkey who stole his dog cone.

'You could always say the dog ate your lesson plan.'

"Where is the little dronie birdie?"

'Relax - we'll blame it on Curiosity.'

Cat looking up fish recipes.

Neutering done while you wait: Sooty just learnt to read.

"Will there be trees?"