Pet Gourmand T-Shirts

'Believe me, I've checked. There are no shows on the Food Channel devoted to cooking kibble.'

The wonderful world of cheese.

"Parts of a dog" "Hears food drop" "Smells food" "Chews food" "Swallows food" "Digests food" "Moves toward food" "Signals for food" "Makes room for more food"

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

Grand Escargot at a Parisian Eatery.

"Alright, alright! I'll stop buying the cheap stuff, OK?"

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

Just one more choccy...

Tomorrow we'll cheer the fourth of July! Picnics with families mean hot dogs to buy! Flags will be waving so proudly up high! And fireworks displays will light the night sky which Frank will miss due to way too much pie! Pie Eating Contest!

"She doesn't eat raw zebra... Where can we get Alaska wild salmon in cream truffle sauce in the middle of Africa?"

'May I have two containers - fish for my cat, meat for the dog...vegetables divided as follows, one-fourth for the cat, three-fourths for the dog, but no carrots for the cat - kitty doesn't like carrots...'

Dijon Vu

"For this dish we'll need to sauté the onion with the week-old, moldy, ant-covered French fry over medium heat. Then, we lightly flash boil our dehydrated mouse..."

'Don't worry, Sir. Most of our customers get indigestion when they see the bill.'

'I couldn't put the book down... I had peanut butter and jelly on my hands!'

"Jeffrey eats everything, Mom, because no one has told him what he doesn't like."

"Love the cheese - not so sure about the presentation."

The four basic food groups: Dry, Moist, Biscuit, Bone.

Capturing a Cook

'Fruits, vegetables, meat, eggs and cooked beans! He gets a better dinner than I do!'

For once, I'd like to order a non-soy-based tofu substitute. No more health food. I have Tofurkey.

"Look, I’m sorry - it’s not Asian fusion night!"

"Now this is what I call a thanksgiving break."

"If I'm billing six hundred dollars an hour, lunch just cost me $ 638.75."

He didn't even remember signing up for the taste test.

'If he has worms can we take him fishing?'

'If you're in a hurry, why did you order the snails?'

'Worms?! I'd rather have a pizza!'

"It's not just compared to the table, damn it. This is a small portion."

Now at the Farmers' Market

'Let's see... that's one 'last week's leftovers' and two 'third grader's homework', right?'

Water. Food. Garnish.