Pet Economist Pillows

"Defense budget... Do you have any idea how much catnip $700 billion would buy?"

"Yes, one is a dog."

Cat Reunion

“Sweet mother of Marmaduke... no!”

"The library rejected your request to ban all books on cats and squirrels. But, to be fair, it was no dumber than all the other book ban requests we get."

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"It's just a jogger!" "It's just a car!" "There's nothing out there now!" "I was thinking of the squirrel I saw last week"

Protoplasm

"Dogs are men."

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

"When I get to heaven do you think I'll get my testicles back?"

Cat in tank sees fish form letters to spell out, 'Help'.

'I'm trying to toilet train them.'

'Where I come from it's called collateral.'

"Yes, the market did advance this week, Rebecca, but we feel it's somewhat of a 'dead-cat bounce.'"

The Inner Dog.

Cat on a psychiatrist's couch: 'Truth is, I'm not really a cat person.'

"Great - Now what would be the second thing you'd do if you had opposable thumbs?"

'My husband's just getting some ready to show you.'

'Oh my God, dog biscuits are down!'

Investments: Still Open to New Investors - 'A fool & his money fund.'

"You need a hobby."

"These dizzy spells, I have a theory."

Dog Training For The Ninties

"Ugh, tell me about it! They pressure you to be a good boy and I get unreal expectations of prettiness!"

"Pet peeves" "I fear the cat." "I fear the cat" "I fear the cat." "Fecced me."

Village Pet Shop.

"Laura! Laura! Wake up — I just had the worst nightmare!"

'Oh, that is so simplistic. Why must you always see the world in black and white?'

'Sure, I can talk, but I still feel culturally illiterate.'

Hemingway's dog meets Faulkner's Dog.

'The grin is guaranteed for three months.'

"You know you're getting old when you start getting nose whiskers."

"I bark, therefore I am."

The Free Range Finch