Pet Intellectual Pillows

"Great - Now what would be the second thing you'd do if you had opposable thumbs?"

"Yes, one is a dog."

Cat Reunion

"Have you tried biting him?"

"The library rejected your request to ban all books on cats and squirrels. But, to be fair, it was no dumber than all the other book ban requests we get."

"Dogs are men."

Protoplasm

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"It's just a jogger!" "It's just a car!" "There's nothing out there now!" "I was thinking of the squirrel I saw last week"

"When I get to heaven do you think I'll get my testicles back?"

They say animals have the sixth sense and the talent to look into the future...

"I'm telling you! They don't know anything! No one is in charge!"

'I'm trying to toilet train them.'

'How long have you had this obsessive hatred of cats?'

The Inner Dog.

Cat reading Rommel biography.

'I can't come out to play, I have to help my owner work on his bike. Sometimes it sucks being a smart breed.'

Cat on a psychiatrist's couch: 'Truth is, I'm not really a cat person.'

"I was a dog in a previous life, but I came back as a god."

"Oh, God, am I housebroken."

"No, no, that's my copy of 'Being and Time'—look at the teeth marks along 'Heidegger'."

"You need a hobby."

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

"A wonderful cat is coming into your life."

"Tonight... Hemingway."

'I'm afraid you're just going to have to accept that dogs just don't like you.'

"These dizzy spells, I have a theory."

'Okay, I promise I won't shout at you, because you're on the couch.'

"I don’t want to ‘fetch’ – I want to practice entertainment law."

"Pet peeves" "I fear the cat." "I fear the cat" "I fear the cat." "Fecced me."

'Oh, that is so simplistic. Why must you always see the world in black and white?'

'Sure, I can talk, but I still feel culturally illiterate.'

"Ugh, tell me about it! They pressure you to be a good boy and I get unreal expectations of prettiness!"

Hemingway's dog meets Faulkner's Dog.

'I bark, eat, sleep, bark, eat, sleep, bark, eat, sleep! There has to be more than that!'