Pet Scientist Pillows

Protoplasm

Licensed Therapist

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Cats = Zen, Dogs = Men

"You understand that they call you 'good boy' because they can't remember your name, right? They never forget my name, they care about me..."

"Watch out, Simone's hangry - her stomach AND her throat are growling."

Why can't you just chew the squeaker out like normal dogs?

'Don't be embarrassed by your anti-barking collar, implanted tracking chip, and GPS device. Just think of them as fashion accessories.'

A day at the transgenic races

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"Have you tried biting him?"

"The first step is admitting you're a dog."

The Z Chromosome: Zebratic engineering with questionable results.

"That, believe it or not, is also a mammal."

'We call these supernumerary teats!'

They still don't get it, do they? They can't see we're aping them!

"Meow."

"I see you, I see a vet, you're sore for weeks afterwards."

'Do you mind if I take a few pictures, Bill?

'I've just realised where we went wrong.'

'A common problem - we all give them our undivided love and devotion.'

"Actually I never loved you."

"I need a hip replacement but I believe they're looking at a dog replacement."

"Would you mind moving to your doggy bed? I'd like to sit in my chair. I know you can hear me. Your book is upside down."

'I suppose this means you won't be fetching my slippers anymore.'

"Mi chiamano Mimi, il perche non so. Sola, mi fo il pranzo da me stessa."

'Get me everything you have on bunny rabbits.'

"I'm supposed to be loyal, relieve stress, be 'Man's best friend'...I don't need this kind of pressure!"

I hear you, man. Look, if you need anything, my door is always open.

The Animal Researcher Reports...'I've been watching this herd of cattle for seven years, and to be frank, I haven't seen them do anything yet!'

'Yes, you were abandoned. But then I adopted you. Why are you still taking it out on my couch?'

'That hussy. She's always first in line for insemination.'

'How long have you had this obsessive hatred of cats?'

The brain of a dog.

"He's sending an instant message."