Pet Care Jokester Pillows

"I wasn't dead yet."

'I said 'barium,' not 'bury him'!'

"Well, there goes your theory of him thinking of you as his pack leader."

Phoning a Busy Sheep: 'Sorry I can't get to the phone right now, please make an animal noise after the bleat!'

"You've had dogs, cats, birds and even a pony. . . how come your only pets that survive are fish, Arielle?"

'At least when they shear you, they finish the job... Look at me! I look ridiculous...'

'Nonsense, Melvin! Who ever heard of a tapeworm that big?'

"Has anyone fed the goldfish?"

"I'm retired now"

'Hi, my name's Bernard and I'm an alcoholic...'

'Here! I saved his anal sacs for you.'

'No I'm going to do this one standing.

'It's the law. Everybody wears seat belts.'

A dog locks a man out and sleeps in his bed.

'Scalpel, dammit! Scalpel!'

'Whoa, hey, guys! Where are you going?! I was just brushing my teeth, see!'

Kid to dad about pet door on fishbowl: 'It's a dogfish.'

'He's a great dog...a bit of a drooler though.'

'If he has worms can we take him fishing?'

'It was just a matter of time, old cowpuncher, 'til one of them punched back.'

101 uses of a dead cat: chaps.

'We're half way through teaching her to roll over.'

"There's nothing good on T.V. tonight - want to go chase some cars?"

Terrierists.

'Okay, Claudia, you're right, next time I'll buy freshly frozen rats!'

'Great car-chasing scenes!'

Velcro Paws.

'Are you still going steady with that left leg at number thirty six?'

'I don't know how, but he has the bird flu.'

"For God's sake Dennis, that was the budgie!"

"Well, I think it's a BIG improvement over how he used to play with them after he caught them!"

'I can't believe this! Is there anyone here who isn't too chicken to jump?'

"Yes, that's water retention."

Dog diagram