Animal Care Jokester Pillows

'Here! I saved his anal sacs for you.'

"Blow out the candles!" "Make a wish!" "I wish I had my testicles back."

'I don't understand: I lick the plates clean, but Mistress still puts them in the dishwasher afterwards...'

'You've got restless wag syndrome.'

Phoning a Busy Sheep: 'Sorry I can't get to the phone right now, please make an animal noise after the bleat!'

"Well, there goes your theory of him thinking of you as his pack leader."

"You've had dogs, cats, birds and even a pony. . . how come your only pets that survive are fish, Arielle?"

"You wanted me to mow all the grass?"

"I wasn't dead yet."

'Hi, my name's Bernard and I'm an alcoholic...'

'Now you do know she needs a bath every week and an oil change every 3000 miles?'

'I don't care if a person would have been treated the same way. This is not a person. This is MY DOG!"

'Well, Mr. Swine, it looks like you pulled a hamstring.'

'No I'm going to do this one standing.

'It's the law. Everybody wears seat belts.'

Strictly Ornamental.

A dog locks a man out and sleeps in his bed.

'Scalpel, dammit! Scalpel!'

'Whoa, hey, guys! Where are you going?! I was just brushing my teeth, see!'

'It was just a matter of time, old cowpuncher, 'til one of them punched back.'

'You srow ze glove in my face?...'

'Louder, Doctor! I can't make out what you're saying.'

101 uses of a dead cat: chaps.

'He's a great dog...a bit of a drooler though.'

'We're half way through teaching her to roll over.'

'Great car-chasing scenes!'

Terrierists.

Velcro Paws.

'Are you still going steady with that left leg at number thirty six?'

'Okay, Claudia, you're right, next time I'll buy freshly frozen rats!'

"Well, I think it's a BIG improvement over how he used to play with them after he caught them!"

'I don't know how, but he has the bird flu.'

'I see you tried giving your cat a bath, again.'

"For God's sake Dennis, that was the budgie!"

'Next we tried continuous intravenous drip fluid therapy...'