Personal Care Gifts

Ockham's razor

Lather, rinse, dry, style, get dressed, go to work,come home, eat dinner, go to bed, wake up, repeat.

"That was bound to happen. Well, don't just stand there. Tell them you'll call back after you finish brushing your teeth."

Love conquers all, except plaque.

'Who ordered the Brazilian?'

'Something for the weekend, Sir?'

"What I'm about to tell you does not leave this mustache."

"I've forgotten her, but I can't forget the scent of her Himalayan Pink Salt & Water Lily antibacterial hand sanitizer."

"Give me your wallet. And the name of your antiperspirant."

Shampoo and Salad Dressing.

'Still workin' on the beard, Jerry?'

"You're over reacting. Everyone gets a gray hair."

A young George Washington has his fortune told.

"I wasn't the smartest guy in the room, but I had the whitest teeth."

All dressing rooms now have dimmer switches

Running late for his date and out of deodorant, Todd makes a desperate move.

'Oh, for pity sakes, I've seen backhair before!'

'So what's your complaint? '

"I'd like a little more on the back and top, please"

'No, you're not developing a third eye - it's just a zit.'

'I hate bad hair days!'

'Fake tan? Not me!'

'Having trouble with the shaver?'

"Okay, you can keep the Lockdown hair, but the toenails have to go."

'Ever get that down in the mouth feeling?'

Bill often considered cutting his armpit hair, but then he'd need to buy carpeting.

Flossed for the first time in years. MOUTH HURTS.

"I know we're just work acquaintances, but I think your skin should smell like watermelon and your home should smell like chai-peach crème brûlée."

Me

Moustache lotion

"I feel icky...oh, so icky"

"Good Lord, when's the last time you cleaned these ears?"

"Because it's faster than a razor and I get the same results anyway."

So I used body soap to wash my face. Why is that so bad? Details matter. Pay attention to your surroundings. Face soap isn't body soap. Conditioner isn't shampoo. Moisturizer isn't hand lotion. If we're ever going to move in together and have a future you've got to pay attention to me and the nuances about my life. Conditioner isn't shampoo? I'm livid and you have stinky hair!

"Work with me!"