Persnickety Person Pillows

I'm afraid neatness doesn't count, Mrs Wilson

"I want to be a more interesting person. Think maybe watching old black and white movies would do it?"

Perks

"My great-uncle Octavio always wore his hat in the house. That way, if bad company knocked on the door, he could say he was just leaving."

"What a coincidence! I enjoy sleeping and running around the house for no reason, too."

'Where'd he go, nurse?'

Planting vegetables - "BEAN there done that."

I always feel so short when you wear heels.

Stud Finders: 'These don't even work!'

Fresh hamsters on a stick.

Old man stealing sand from a sand box for child

"Honey, I just got 't-boned' off I-80 West of Omaha!"

'I know it's cold up here, but you can't attain enlightenment wearing a hat like THAT.'

'I'm screwed...'

Cactus Man.

'Oh, sure, I should wake him up...but I asked him to kill that thing a week ago!'

"Let me help you in your effort ti think INSIDE the box once again."

We've had a lot of power cuts lately, but but don't worry we have a back up system.

'In case I forget it, I've had my name tattooed on the inside of my eyelids.'

'That large, rolled up newspaper is a reminder - mess up this office, and you'll pay the price.'

Psychiatrist with phrenology chart, reads bumps on head.

"Soldier, you're out of uniform ..."

Greg and Lee were having hours of fun with their photo copier breakdown remote control.

'She doesn't just hold a conversation, she strangles it.'

"Daddy always begged me not to marry a cactus farmer!"

No, Ernie --- Female chipmunks aren't called chip-nuns.

'i don't know why people find me offensive, you tell me, you silly old bad headed twit.'

"But the tax evasion did bring me happiness."

"I need the answers to tomorrow's history test."

The Odd Duck

A child pulls the lever of a machine that is combination of both a slot machine and a gumball machine.

A sneaky, hungry elephant...

Squirrel stealing golf balls

"You're lucky this job became available, our firm has an unusually low staff turnover."

"Just what do you think you're up to?"