Prickly Conversationalist Pillows

'She doesn't just hold a conversation, she strangles it.'

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

What price beauty?

"It's no good, Bertie—we must either find some other place to meet or break off the affair altogether."

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'When are you going to admit you need glasses?'

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

"Tell me about yourself. Any weird genes or anything?"

"Why... are there so many people who never eat pork? Because we have some excellent PR people working on our behalf."

"Is it just me, right, is it just me ...?"

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

"I giggle when I laugh." "I pee when I sneeze."

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

You mixed your DNA with that of a carrot? I've created a giant loud-mouthed left-leaning vegetable. Some would say that's redundant. Very funny. It's worse that that. The carrot doesn't share just my politics … You smell beautiful, like ranch dressing on a spring day. I do like a tall vegetable.

"Sofia, right? You hung out in the back of Professor Dillof’s anatomy lectures."

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious day when you're ripe and not yet mealy?"

Imaginary boyfriends are best.

'This month I'll be cooked & my bones ripped apart in a wishing contest.'

"You look quite presentable when you make the effort. Your ex-wife always told me you scrubbed up well."

"Hey, do you want to be in my bubble?"

'I wonder if you'd go out with me. I've always wanted to go to couples therapy.'

"Don't worry, I'm a doctor."

"Develop your social skills. Share information about yourself so people will want to talk to you." "I like to dissect animals."