Perpetually Locked-out Gifts

"Baldo, are you almost home? I locked myself out of the house again."

Economic Outlook Conference - 'Remember the seating is optimist, pessimist, optimist,...'

'It's time to move out when Mom says...'

"Is there an option to make my out-of-office message permanent?"

'He lived and died for golf.'

'Remember that outfit, Miss Wilson, that you said you wouldn't be seen dead wearing?'

The Forever Stamp

Empty Headed Schoolboy

'Frank's last request was that he be cremated and that I never give up his season tickets.'

Accident-Prone Support Group.

"If you don't wake up and get to work, I'm going to call your mom."

"So I figure, as long as I stay a student then I can't repay my student loans."

'I admire your persistence, Melvin, but I'm in love with another woman.'

"I'm sorry I didn't find your wallet but I found six pairs of reading glasses!"

Glasses half full, half empty, half assed.

Another Degree and Deeper in Debt

"Is it always so cloudy?"

Bachelor Cake

"I've learned so much from my mistakes, I've decided to keep making them!"

Fred raises the "Late Bloomer" bar to a new level.

'Oh I've always been a sceptic, through all my past lives.'

"Being a post-doc for thirty years can really screw up your life."

"Your vacation is over, deal with it!"

'What makes you think you're so smart?'

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

"Christ! How much further is it to the next rest stop!?!"

"Give it up, Carl. You’ve been dead for six months. You’re not gonna finish the novel."

"It's the same thing every Monday morning. Trust me. . . he'll rise to the occasion."

The Ultimate Pessimist: "The glass is half empty and what's in it is toxic."

Balancing money against childs education

"I can't go job hunting. I don't have a permit."

"Don't breath a word to anyone, but I'm never leaving graduate school."

Manchild Crossing

'My Terry's like a big kid. He's probably playing arcade games somewhere.'

"Your problem is that you see the glass as half-empty."