Perpetually Locked-out Pillows

"Baldo, are you almost home? I locked myself out of the house again."

Economic Outlook Conference - 'Remember the seating is optimist, pessimist, optimist,...'

'It's time to move out when Mom says...'

"Is there an option to make my out-of-office message permanent?"

The Forever Stamp

'He lived and died for golf.'

'Remember that outfit, Miss Wilson, that you said you wouldn't be seen dead wearing?'

Empty Headed Schoolboy

'Frank's last request was that he be cremated and that I never give up his season tickets.'

"If you don't wake up and get to work, I'm going to call your mom."

Glasses half full, half empty, half assed.

"I'm sorry I didn't find your wallet but I found six pairs of reading glasses!"

"So I figure, as long as I stay a student then I can't repay my student loans."

"Is it always so cloudy?"

'I admire your persistence, Melvin, but I'm in love with another woman.'

Bachelor Cake

Fred raises the "Late Bloomer" bar to a new level.

"I've learned so much from my mistakes, I've decided to keep making them!"

'Oh I've always been a sceptic, through all my past lives.'

"Being a post-doc for thirty years can really screw up your life."

"Your vacation is over, deal with it!"

"Give it up, Carl. You’ve been dead for six months. You’re not gonna finish the novel."

"Christ! How much further is it to the next rest stop!?!"

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

'What makes you think you're so smart?'

"It's the same thing every Monday morning. Trust me. . . he'll rise to the occasion."

Balancing money against childs education

The Ultimate Pessimist: "The glass is half empty and what's in it is toxic."

"I can't go job hunting. I don't have a permit."

"Don't breath a word to anyone, but I'm never leaving graduate school."

Manchild Crossing

'Sorry, I've just pressed the wrong button.'

'My Terry's like a big kid. He's probably playing arcade games somewhere.'