Permit Pundit Gifts

'Here is your cocoon construction permit Sir...'

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"With the caveat that the only certainty in this life is uncertainty, I still want to entertain the possibility of being a pundit when I grow up."

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

Liberal Vote-Shaming Explained

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

'Henry was an undecided voter four years ago when he entered that voting booth, and I'm still waiting for him to decide and come home.'

Half-Price Haircut and Half-Cut Price Hair.

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

It's a deal. You give me five analysts, three pundits, seven technicians and a soothsayer. I give you six experts, five professors, four consultants and a prognosticator.

Patents office.

The Adventures of Tom Friedman, Boy Reporter

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Glenn Beck?'

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

'They never let you forget that your intellectual property belongs to them.'

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I neglected to talk over you."

Rush Limbaugh

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

Boris Johnson lies his way out of trouble

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"I can't wait to see our new ad campaign. Wait, don't tell me...it's NEW and IMPROVED!"

Updated Proverbs. We come into the world with nothing. And leave deeply in debt!

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

Mismanagement Consultant.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"