Promotion Pundit Gifts

'Please...a simple yes or no. I can't sit through your Top 10 Reasons Why I Don't Deserve A Raise.'

Packaging literally grabbing the attention of shopper

"I can't wait to see our new ad campaign. Wait, don't tell me...it's NEW and IMPROVED!"

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"I'm as progressive as they come, except for my money. No one touches my money."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'At the sales department, we've got to meet our performance targets. We're not here to care about reality.'

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

Half-Price Haircut and Half-Cut Price Hair.

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

CIA. Office of Disinformation. Please Use Other Door.

'It Kicked!' - 'Punt, Drop or Tad?'

"Summer's here. Do you want to start talking incessantly about tomatoes or corn?"

"Prospectus in not spelt P...R...O...A...G...A...N...D...A."

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Apples...37 Spinach...43 Peaches...51

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

'Just one criticism of you review of last night's opening play - you omitted to mention that the theatre burnt down while you were supposed to be there!'

A candidate makes their greatest impact on an interviewer in the first few minutes...

Pie chart - What were we studying, again?

'You're going to stitch me up in this interview aren't you?'

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

'I have a twitter account to slag off my facebook friends and I use facebook to insult my followers on twitter.'

Avoid talking about personal and domestic issues at interviews, unless asked.

"You know our 'Never-Overwhelm-The-Reader' policy. Your story is irrelevant, trivial and stupid but not irrelevant, trivial and stupid enough."

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."