Patent Pundit Gifts

'They never let you forget that your intellectual property belongs to them.'

"Marry me, Virginia. My genes are excellent and, as yet, unpatented."

Patents office.

"...and this so-called 'Death Ray' of Doctor Fate's is no more than a blatant rip-off of Professor Von Doom's Extinction Beam."

'That last meeting was a complete turn-off.'

Quality Control

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'I'm part of the decision-making process... I'm the 'No' part.'

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

'Very well, I'll introduce you. Ego, meet ID. Now get back to work.'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

Presidential surveillance ass!"

"It drives me MAD when people act as though we've nothing to do except write moronic memorandum."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"I have always depended on the content of strangers."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"It's a baby. Federal regulations prohibit our mentioning its race, age, or gender."

Jasper Coot: 'Osama shoulda named me to the Supreme Court! I ain't no judge, so I'm qualified! Hell. I ann't even a damn lawyer! But Lord knows, I am judgemental!

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

'I see the rebranded mobile methadone project got underway.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'I think its being tapped.'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

"Hey Alexa, make it nice and easy for hackers to keep tabs on everything I do and influence my voting intentions."

Pie chart - What were we studying, again?

"We understand you're not happy with our privacy policy."

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

'I have a twitter account to slag off my facebook friends and I use facebook to insult my followers on twitter.'

"You know, the doorway is never going to get popular until somebody invents the door."

"On the bright side, the NSA is done tracking you."

The Fishbowl Dynasty