Patent Pundit Gifts

'They never let you forget that your intellectual property belongs to them.'

"Marry me, Virginia. My genes are excellent and, as yet, unpatented."

Patents office.

"...and this so-called 'Death Ray' of Doctor Fate's is no more than a blatant rip-off of Professor Von Doom's Extinction Beam."

'That last meeting was a complete turn-off.'

Quality Control

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'I'm part of the decision-making process... I'm the 'No' part.'

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

'Very well, I'll introduce you. Ego, meet ID. Now get back to work.'

Presidential surveillance ass!"

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"It drives me MAD when people act as though we've nothing to do except write moronic memorandum."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"I have always depended on the content of strangers."

"It's a baby. Federal regulations prohibit our mentioning its race, age, or gender."

Jasper Coot: 'Osama shoulda named me to the Supreme Court! I ain't no judge, so I'm qualified! Hell. I ann't even a damn lawyer! But Lord knows, I am judgemental!

'I think its being tapped.'

'I see the rebranded mobile methadone project got underway.'

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

Pie chart - What were we studying, again?

"We understand you're not happy with our privacy policy."

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

The Fishbowl Dynasty

"You know, the doorway is never going to get popular until somebody invents the door."

"On the bright side, the NSA is done tracking you."

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

"Here's the problem -- your fourth wall is broken. That's why you keep seeing all those people out there."