Performance Review Joker Pillows

"You got 50% and 45% for accuracy!" "That's over 100%...Yes!"

'I've been carrying him for a long time.'

Missing Persons...'I'm not sure when she disappeared - sometime during the football season.'

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

Get crazy once in a while

"You look so beautiful, glistening in the moonlight."

"Ok... for today I want a 500-word essay on what you know about nothing."

"How about we write a song combining Brexit with unrequited love?"

"Would you rather get hit by a racket or chewed by a dog?"

'Want to freak her out? Stare over her shoulder without blinking for 10 minutes.'

Never pick a fight with a comedian.

E=Emcee Squared

"Whenever it comes, Glenda, my death will be untimely."

'I love it when you say - 'I'm going to print money'.'

See, Bill? They DID remember us this Valentine's Day!

"Harold, stop sucking in your stomach when the girls walk by. You're going to hurt yourself."

'I've heard all about you. Jayne says you're quite the prankster.'

'I ask myself-do I really want to sleep on the edge of the bed again?'

'Moses, you'd better be in that bathtub!!'

'Yup, cannon in D.'

Adult Absence Notes.

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

"It's me, Lucky—you can drop the best-friend shtick."

Toilet humour

'Let it go, will you? -- That whoopie cushion incident was years ago!'

'I wish you wouldn't bring work home with you!'

"Harold, it's good you listen to your body, but must I listen to it too?"

'Since when does Shamrocks give you an itchy rash?'

"What do you mean, you 'feel funny'?"

"I tolerate you too. With all my heart."

"We could have a shoot-out, then brunch."

Here lies BoBo the Clown

"Yes, you do go the extra mile for this company. But you've been going in the wrong direction."

Ha! Musical fruit my patootie...

'This is the third time you've gone to the bathroom tonight. Are you seeing another woman in there?'