Performance Review Jester Pillows

"We considered a number of alternatives but this was the cheapest."

"Oh, relax. I'm holding my handkerchief, not a blindfold."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

So which rung are you on my corporate ladder?

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"We're following Carrot Top."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"I need a little more drama like a ten part mini-series."

'We like your zip-a-dee. You need to work on your dooh-dah.'

"We need to change, but WHEN?"

I'm not making enough money to like you.

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

"Listen Herb, once you become the boss and decide who gets a raise, then you can have a raise."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

"I can't sit down. Don't you remember? I worked my butt off for you."

Who should I call first? 911 or Technical Support?

Sales - "Any other suggestion besides getting a bigger chart?"

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

"No annual raises, but I will 'like' all your hard work on Facebook."

"Try not to think of them just as a 'customer' but rather as your only chance of paying your mortgage and putting food on your plate."

"A great quarter always puts the old man in a jocular mood."

Targets.

Business Target

Stepping on clown's shoe...

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"You need to stand up for yourself, or at least sit up straight."

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

"On reflection i think i could have coped with just 340' feedback."

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

"Make yourself comfortable so that we can discuss your raise."

"It says here that in your last job you did a lot of traveling."

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

'I think I found the bottleneck, Boss.'