Performance Review Enthusiast Gifts

'It's time for your annual carrot re-evaluation.'

"It's our first anniversary, so I've written up your performance review...."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

"Just be yourself."

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

So which rung are you on my corporate ladder?

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

Anthropologists discover the earliest known depiction of Jazz Hands.

'We like your zip-a-dee. You need to work on your dooh-dah.'

"We need to change, but WHEN?"

I'm not making enough money to like you.

Theatre Crowd

"Bravo!"

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

"Listen Herb, once you become the boss and decide who gets a raise, then you can have a raise."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

"I can't sit down. Don't you remember? I worked my butt off for you."

Sales - "Any other suggestion besides getting a bigger chart?"

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

"You need to stand up for yourself, or at least sit up straight."

Targets.

"Try not to think of them just as a 'customer' but rather as your only chance of paying your mortgage and putting food on your plate."

"No annual raises, but I will 'like' all your hard work on Facebook."

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

Business Target

"A great quarter always puts the old man in a jocular mood."

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

"On reflection i think i could have coped with just 340' feedback."

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

"Make yourself comfortable so that we can discuss your raise."

'I think I found the bottleneck, Boss.'

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

'You just don't seem to be fitting in.'