Performance Review Enthusiast Pillows

'It's time for your annual carrot re-evaluation.'

"It's our first anniversary, so I've written up your performance review...."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

"Just be yourself."

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

Anthropologists discover the earliest known depiction of Jazz Hands.

'We like your zip-a-dee. You need to work on your dooh-dah.'

"We need to change, but WHEN?"

"Bravo!"

I'm not making enough money to like you.

Theatre Crowd

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

"Listen Herb, once you become the boss and decide who gets a raise, then you can have a raise."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

"I can't sit down. Don't you remember? I worked my butt off for you."

Sales - "Any other suggestion besides getting a bigger chart?"

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

Business Target

Targets.

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

"You need to stand up for yourself, or at least sit up straight."

"Try not to think of them just as a 'customer' but rather as your only chance of paying your mortgage and putting food on your plate."

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"No annual raises, but I will 'like' all your hard work on Facebook."

"A great quarter always puts the old man in a jocular mood."

"On reflection i think i could have coped with just 340' feedback."

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

"Make yourself comfortable so that we can discuss your raise."

'I think I found the bottleneck, Boss.'

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

"You shouldn't do it because I'm telling you to do it. You should do it because I'm telling you I'll fire you if you don't do it."

'Yes,we have equal pay in that we are grossly underpaid, all of us.'