Performance Review Aficionado T-Shirts

'At ease, Jerry, you had a great year.'

"Gosh, 'inept' seems so harsh. Personally, I prefer the term 'productivity-challenged!'"

"If you would increase my salary you'd feel I'm worth more."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

'We like your zip-a-dee. You need to work on your dooh-dah.'

"We need to change, but WHEN?"

"Bravo!"

I'm not making enough money to like you.

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

"Listen Herb, once you become the boss and decide who gets a raise, then you can have a raise."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

"I can't sit down. Don't you remember? I worked my butt off for you."

Sales - "Any other suggestion besides getting a bigger chart?"

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

"A great quarter always puts the old man in a jocular mood."

Targets.

"Try not to think of them just as a 'customer' but rather as your only chance of paying your mortgage and putting food on your plate."

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"No annual raises, but I will 'like' all your hard work on Facebook."

Business Target

"You need to stand up for yourself, or at least sit up straight."

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

"On reflection i think i could have coped with just 340' feedback."

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

"Make yourself comfortable so that we can discuss your raise."

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

'Nice, but it needs more angst.'

'I think I found the bottleneck, Boss.'

'You just don't seem to be fitting in.'

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

"Sorry, you can't cash in your vacation time. Since you didn't use it, tell it Bon Voyage!"

'Yes,we have equal pay in that we are grossly underpaid, all of us.'