Performance Review Artist T-Shirts

"You're getting warm."

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

They hated me.

Showbiz Awards

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"Extreme miming"

"We're following Carrot Top."

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

'Oh, it's a long, long time...From here to November...'

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

Cow Show Tunes

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

'We like your zip-a-dee. You need to work on your dooh-dah.'

"I'm the only sane artist in the world."

"We need to change, but WHEN?"

"Bravo!"

Jazz is Invented

Tuning Up for the Air Guitar Competition

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."

Emily Dickinson: Mime - "I think she's saying something about death."