Pension Puns Gifts

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

'A representative from Merrill Lynch to see you.'

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

'No need to yell son, I may be deaf, but I can still read.'

"Turn off cell phones violators will be over ruled."

'Smith, where exactly did you get your experience in 'Hedge Fund Management'?'

'I am on a diet! It's called the Wall Street diet. I invested in British Airways, and the first day I lost 500 pounds.'

Escaping Black Hole - '..But captain that's the pensions black hole there is no escape!'

"Yes, the market did advance this week, Rebecca, but we feel it's somewhat of a 'dead-cat bounce.'"

'Just this once, but I want a piece of the action.'

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

"Give it to me straight, doc. Will I outlive social security and medicare?"

A good executive is known by the company he keeps solvent.

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

Mismanagement Consultant.

'I download music from a radio station in South Korea, and I got Seoul music.'

Old Golfers never die...only those who get in their buggies way!

'Hurry up and enjoy your life as a pensioner! Three.. Two.. One..'

"I'd love to help but at the moment I'm saddled with this enormous mortgage."

'I think my back is baroque!'

Calls of the Wild: Moose Call, Coyote Call and Margin Call.

"Although the collection plate appears to be half full, our accountant assures me that it is half empty."

'The bad news is you've lived well beyond your expiration date.'

'Your investments aren't under performing, they're just appreciation challenged.'

"Let the minutes show we're not taking the pension fund and putting it all on the 2.30 at Newmarket."

'I'm rather rich actually, maybe it's because I always laugh all the way to the bank...'

'Let's not overreact. We're just in solvent, not bankrupt.'

'This is what I call the ultimate in money laundering.'

"I'm sorry but here we have a strict policy about hiring anyone who's squirmish about investing"

Valentines for Things

'Activist investors are here to see you and they're wearing boxing gloves.'

"You read the exit sign. The eye chart is behind you."

'In sickness and in health? I'll need to run that by my HMO...'

"I know that you've always enoyed your work."

'Our shares are so low, they're all ended up in the Isles of Wight.'