Pension Puns Gifts

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

'A representative from Merrill Lynch to see you.'

"Now that's how to declare a dividend!"

'No need to yell son, I may be deaf, but I can still read.'

"Turn off cell phones violators will be over ruled."

'Smith, where exactly did you get your experience in 'Hedge Fund Management'?'

Escaping Black Hole - '..But captain that's the pensions black hole there is no escape!'

"Yes, the market did advance this week, Rebecca, but we feel it's somewhat of a 'dead-cat bounce.'"

'Just this once, but I want a piece of the action.'

'There's a bear on line one and a bull on line two. Who do you want me to put through first?'

A good executive is known by the company he keeps solvent.

"Give it to me straight, doc. Will I outlive social security and medicare?"

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

Mismanagement Consultant.

Old Golfers never die...only those who get in their buggies way!

"I'd love to help but at the moment I'm saddled with this enormous mortgage."

'I think my back is baroque!'

'I download music from a radio station in South Korea, and I got Seoul music.'

'Hurry up and enjoy your life as a pensioner! Three.. Two.. One..'

Calls of the Wild: Moose Call, Coyote Call and Margin Call.

"Although the collection plate appears to be half full, our accountant assures me that it is half empty."

'The bad news is you've lived well beyond your expiration date.'

'Your investments aren't under performing, they're just appreciation challenged.'

'This is what I call the ultimate in money laundering.'

"I'm sorry but here we have a strict policy about hiring anyone who's squirmish about investing"

'I'm rather rich actually, maybe it's because I always laugh all the way to the bank...'

Valentines for Things

'Let's not overreact. We're just in solvent, not bankrupt.'

"Let the minutes show we're not taking the pension fund and putting it all on the 2.30 at Newmarket."

'Activist investors are here to see you and they're wearing boxing gloves.'

'In sickness and in health? I'll need to run that by my HMO...'

'Hold this til Tues and I'll pay you back, squid pro quo.'

'The good news is it's not mad cow disease. You've got bad dow disease.'

'Our shares are so low, they're all ended up in the Isles of Wight.'