Pension Pondering Pillows

Bomers and Bummer

"What a tragedy... he still had two years of his super left..."

'The economy being what it is, we've had to make a few changes in your retirement plan. . .'

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

"Apparently over 50% of people never look at their pension plans!"

"People are looking for stability in pension arrangements..."

"You never actually own a pension pot - you merely look after it for the next government."

"If we take a late retirement and an early death, we'll just squeak by."

'Retirement is OK, but instead of looking forword to weekends, I'm working at McDonalds.'

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

"The industry has agreed to take the pensions dashboard off our hands. . ."

'right, make sure any new companies we acquire have an ageing workforce'

'When bad 401ks happen to good people'

Passing the Pension Time Bomb

'So that's agreed, we terrify people with stories about living to a hundred in poverty and hope that makes them drop dead early.'

"The pension crisis prompted me to consider alternative invstments. Like Roulette."

Star Trek-the Older Generation. . .

'Fortune telling/retirement planning'

"Give it to me straight, doc. Will I outlive social security and medicare?"

Retirement Issues

"Let me make this perfectly opaque..."

"I'm the ghost of your future retirement."

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

'You're lucky you're just a kid and don't have to worry about things like going out and getting a job when you're supposed to be retired.'

"The real trick will be enjoying retirement long enough before the Government goes belly up."

'I re-invested what was left of my 401K into returnable pop cans. I figure by the time I retire I should have about three dollars.'

"Scary stuff, but I'm not sure the world is ready for the unexpurgated story of life as a pensions adviser!"

"My inner child just turned 62. Where's his money?"

"My parents taught me stuff until I was six, and then they outsourced me to Central Elementary."

"A 12 month tour of the USA costs us less than staying at home for a year."

'Sorry I can't pay your pension until I see gray hair. . . Oh yes, and you also get disability.'

Insomnia.

"Life’s become pretty easy lately. Perhaps it’s time we shake things up by adding a dependent."

"Walter Thruggins, My Life as a Pensions Adviser."