Paternity Test Pillows

'Never mind the future, tell me who I was with a year ago.'

'Your DNA test results are now in.'

"Approaching 10,000 steps."

"It's amazing, Darlin', just how fast the kids grow up!"

'... And some primitive cultures, believed that 'the great ones' modelled us from clay.'

"My granddaughter's first words to me were 'OK, Boomer.' I have no idea what that even means."

"Bark or stare? Always a tough decision. Bark? Maybe stare? Whimper? Maybe? Meanwhile, stare."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"Being raised in the city, Fred didn’t quite grasp the true purpose of a game camera."

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

"Tell me about this fear of couches."

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

'Personally, I don't like to play Fetch, but it makes him happy.'

"The good old days of eating the washing off the line are all gone methinks: The farmer has bought an electric dryer..."

"Just be yourself."

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

Polly txt speak

"Did I hear the dog in here?"

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

"Don't worry, dear. You'll grow."

'What would your mum say if she saw you drawing all over the wall like that?'

"His first out-of-body experience."

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

"I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal, I will not lick the principal."

"Unfortunately, once the child contracts Pokémon, he lives with it forever."

'I'd say he's 10 percent 'pet' and 90 percent 'Lord and Master of All He Surveys'.'

In his younger days Spock was quite the comedian.

The Zoo.

“She’s in her abstract expressionism phase.”

A woman standing beside a stove full of steaming pots and pans.

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

'No Renee, not until you get two degrees, pass a rigorous physical, and beat out thousands of other qualified individuals.'