Paternity Issues Pillows

'He's got my eyes? And what else?'

"His first out-of-body experience."

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

'He has your nose and my ears.'

Low-Energy Drinks

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

"Pay more attention to me? I'm sorry, dear, but Mommy needs you to be more specific."

"Can I have another sausage Dad?"

"Remember now, anything is DIY-abe if you just do it yourself."

Suffering from Cooties?

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

"Maybe we should have just had a baby..."

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

'You'll never believe the day I've had...'

'Of course I put my kids first! Look at how much I pay the nanny!!'

Baby Screen Time

'This is a fine time to leave! What if the doctor delivers the baby while you're out!'

"It's a boy, but that's a common one so don't get too excited."

Growth Charts

'We found you in a cabbage!'

"We have the exact same taste."

"I made the mistake of telling him that the world is his canvas."

'What did I learn in school today? You'd better sit down.'

"He won't eat anything but corn."

'There's a planet in my book with two moons! Imagine how much howling we could do there!'

"I noticed that since I've been working at home you've been paying me hazard pay. How did you know?"

Young Gums

A postwoman delivers mail together with her baby who is riding in the letter carrier.

"Skip the funny voices tonight—O.K., Dad?"

'It's only 6 AM, but I want to send the kids to Wally's house before his mother sends him over here.'

"Back when we got him, Rufus was a child substitute. Now he's just a dog."

'We're the parents. What we say goes. . . In one ear and out the other.'

"And remember, it's important to wake them up at hourly intervals."