Passion Statistician Gifts

A couple look at a graph on their bed

Can't Do the Math/Won't Do the Math.

Stan Mack's Real Life Funnies: The Science of Love

'No, it's not really good - that's our lawsuits-to-earnings ratio.'

'Why can't you tell me you love me without all the charts and graphs?!'

"I'm going to bombard you with graphs until you agree with me."

"Let's get married, Miss Harris, and have 2.8 children!"

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

'85.4% of people use phony statistics to get their point across.'

'Research shows that while the number of surfers is somewhat constant over the year, there is a sudden increase in casual bathers over Summer...'

Burning love

'15% of Americans don't have chairs in their living rooms, and of that 15%, 73% don't even realize it.'

'We stopped to smell the darn roses here!'

'Looks like the latest crime figures have been stolen.'

'...and as a consequence, you lot all redundant. I'm not making it up.'

"105% of the staff who completed 84% of the process were 95% sure that it was a 100% waste of time."

Bank Robbery Statistics

"People mistakenly think that we accountants are all boring number crunchers, but the latest figures show that 54% of the 23% of people who responded to a survey were 45% in favour of us being 12% more interesting than average!"

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

'Our sabermetrics guy has confirmed that last year's team that went 60-102 was bad.'

"Frankly, Harold, you're beginning to bore everyone with your statistics."

'I don't know if you're a mathematician but my wife's not happy with her Poisson distribution.'

'Number 20 is up. His batting average is 320 and his drug tests are negative.'

...In a Relationship

Julius and Isabella Dufferburger, statistically average family with their 2.5 children.

'17 of the 23 of the 456 people who returned 76 of the 12 questionnaires thought the statistics were meaningless.'

Those Who Get Off On Not Social Distancing: 87% Celebrities On ZOOM: 83%. "We're All In This Together": 82%

'It had been one of those long, smouldering, passionate kisses that seem to last forever'

'Let's get married,Miss Jones and have 2.8 kids!'

Economic Errata

"According to this article 98% of the statistics you read in the newspaper are inaccurate."

'The reminds me. Place your orders for the lunchtime pizza.'

'According to these statistics you'll probably outlive me...'

"Study after study shows that more and more people are participating in studies."

'If you look closely at the CAT scan, you can see a tiny area of normal brain activity. Otherwise, he's got nothing but a headful of useless sports statistics.'