Parenting Pioneers Gifts

"I can feel the baby kicking."

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

To prevent Christmas git opening from being over in a flash, the Wagner kids were required to use only their feet.

First Lessons in Walking

'I don't get it! Not one of these books gives the same advice TWICE!

'If you don't like fathers in the delivery room, where will you be?'

'I took her to register in kindergarten, and they wanted a damage deposit.'

The conversion.

Gee, how long does it take to litter train one of these?

'For goodness sake, it's not that bad. Mommy gets off work at 5. You'll be out in no time.'

'I never believed in spanking children - until today!'

"Does it come with instructions?"

"Well, I'm thinking about boarding school. Though I'm not sure they accept adults."

L'il Buckaroo on Board.

'Congratulations! It's a bouncing baby boy!'

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

A pregnant woman wears a shirt that says "Baby"with an arrow pointing down, while a mother holds a baby that is an arrow pointing up.

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

"How is it gendered?"

"We sing her to sleep with songs about recycling."

"Damn it, are we flying a spoonful of peas again?"

'The stuka brought you.'

"I wouldn’t say they’re user-friendly."

"I'd like my daughter to know something about engines."

"Anything interesting happen over the weekend, Frank?"

Why all mothers deserve a special day.

'Then, after a while, the pitter patter of tiny running shoes.'

"We've gone old fashioned and decided against finding out the sex of my obstetrician."

'You can go home today, but we'd like to run a few more tests on your husband.'

"They're a very hi-tech family. Apparently, even their baby was cordless."

Maternity Ward: No Returns/No Exchanges

"Congratulations, you're expecting triplets."

'It just says strange things happened after she ate the wafers. It doesn't mention their street value.'

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

'Hang on. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Apparently that's not a good idea.'