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'I know school doesn't start for another week, but any chance I could just drop them off now?'

'If you wanted a kid with a good report card, you both should have married someone with brains.'

'All he does is cry. Isn't there an upgrade available yet?'

"You're not going out dressed like that!"

"It's just a phase he's going through, you'll see."

What did I tell you about covering your bottom when you sneeze?

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

"Oh, Mrs. Horris, he just said his first words..!"

"I made the mistake of telling him that the world is his canvas."

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

"Funny, I don't remember signing up for this."

'I almost get out the door and then my mom yells...'Don't you know it's February?!' And here I am again...looking like an eskimo.'

'You know that bottle of ink that was standing on the desk...?'

"My inner child feels threatened by my inner baby."

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

'sugar and spice my eye.'

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

"You're six years old and I'm your mother! - I'm SUPPOSED to impose my moral standards on you!"

'Our computer responds to voice commands, but our kids don't.'

"We've given it a great deal of thought and we decided we're going to give in to everything you want at all times."

"Let's split up the jobs for taking care of the baby. I'll take care of what goes in to him. . . you take care of what goes out!"

Going into the relationship, Tom knew Loretta was a package deal.

Mother's Day: 2nd Sunday in May, Others Day: Every day before and after the 2nd Sunday in May.

"...Mom, can you get me a glass of wine?"

"Will you turn that TV down? Can't you see I'm on the phone?"

"This baby will hold more than a hundred and twenty-five cubic feet of family rancor."

'No Jennifer! I never head of mad broccoli disease.'

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

"No, we're not there yet because your father refuses to ask for directions!"

"It took some figuring, but I think I figured out how to handle a temperamental teenager."

'Would you like me to have a word with educational psychologist about Julie?'

'Well, Mr. 'Let's get him a fish they're no trouble at all,' you're on.'

"Why do they tell us not to be childish? We're only nine!"

"He fights me when I tell him to take a nap. When I reword it and say go reboot, he doesn't have a problem."

'We usually have some trouble getting organized the first day of school.'