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"No, I don't believe your teacher said you could stay home while she live tweets today's lessons."

What did I tell you about covering your bottom when you sneeze?

"Oh, Mrs. Horris, he just said his first words..!"

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

"I made the mistake of telling him that the world is his canvas."

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Funny, I don't remember signing up for this."

'I almost get out the door and then my mom yells...'Don't you know it's February?!' And here I am again...looking like an eskimo.'

"Is the Itsy Bitsy Spider obsessive-compulsive?"

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

'You know that bottle of ink that was standing on the desk...?'

"My inner child feels threatened by my inner baby."

"Now, Mrs. Stevens, go to work, relax, and leave the social engineering to us."

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

"You're six years old and I'm your mother! - I'm SUPPOSED to impose my moral standards on you!"

'Our computer responds to voice commands, but our kids don't.'

'Jimmy made his first blog post today.'

"...Mom, can you get me a glass of wine?"

"I was hoping her first sentence would be, 'I love you, mommy.' Not, 'what's the Wi-Fi password?'"

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

"It took some figuring, but I think I figured out how to handle a temperamental teenager."

'This pacifier looks like a cell phone to make the inevitable transition that much easier.'

Back to School Supplies - 1928 'A new hat?!!' 2006 - 'There's more in the car.'

"And the lovely, little daughter understood her daddy was tired from harvesting people's personal data all day and went to sleep. The end."

"Why do they tell us not to be childish? We're only nine!"

"He fights me when I tell him to take a nap. When I reword it and say go reboot, he doesn't have a problem."

'We usually have some trouble getting organized the first day of school.'

Triplets

'It used to be enough to keep them fed and clothed. Now it's fed, clothed and connected.'

"When you head off to camp, your parents will want to see some separation anxiety."

'They start texting so young these days,'

Free WiFi On-Board

"Can you hold that thought until I consult my new 'Excuses For Mom' app?"