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"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

"Oh, Mrs. Horris, he just said his first words..!"

"I made the mistake of telling him that the world is his canvas."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

'You know that bottle of ink that was standing on the desk...?'

"Is the Itsy Bitsy Spider obsessive-compulsive?"

"Funny, I don't remember signing up for this."

"My inner child feels threatened by my inner baby."

'I almost get out the door and then my mom yells...'Don't you know it's February?!' And here I am again...looking like an eskimo.'

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

"Now, Mrs. Stevens, go to work, relax, and leave the social engineering to us."

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

"You're six years old and I'm your mother! - I'm SUPPOSED to impose my moral standards on you!"

'Our computer responds to voice commands, but our kids don't.'

'Jimmy made his first blog post today.'

"...Mom, can you get me a glass of wine?"

"I was hoping her first sentence would be, 'I love you, mommy.' Not, 'what's the Wi-Fi password?'"

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

'This pacifier looks like a cell phone to make the inevitable transition that much easier.'

"It took some figuring, but I think I figured out how to handle a temperamental teenager."

"Why do they tell us not to be childish? We're only nine!"

"He fights me when I tell him to take a nap. When I reword it and say go reboot, he doesn't have a problem."

"And the lovely, little daughter understood her daddy was tired from harvesting people's personal data all day and went to sleep. The end."

Triplets

Back to School Supplies - 1928 'A new hat?!!' 2006 - 'There's more in the car.'

'We usually have some trouble getting organized the first day of school.'

'It used to be enough to keep them fed and clothed. Now it's fed, clothed and connected.'

"When you head off to camp, your parents will want to see some separation anxiety."

Free WiFi On-Board

"I handled his last adventure. You take this one."

"Can you hold that thought until I consult my new 'Excuses For Mom' app?"