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'Mom said not to ask Dad for money 'til after he's had his dinner.'

"Oh, Mrs. Horris, he just said his first words..!"

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies

'You know that bottle of ink that was standing on the desk...?'

"Funny, I don't remember signing up for this."

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

'I almost get out the door and then my mom yells...'Don't you know it's February?!' And here I am again...looking like an eskimo.'

"My inner child feels threatened by my inner baby."

'sugar and spice my eye.'

"'Parent' should always be an action verb."

"Me? I thought you were raising them."

"You're six years old and I'm your mother! - I'm SUPPOSED to impose my moral standards on you!"

'Our computer responds to voice commands, but our kids don't.'

"This baby will hold more than a hundred and twenty-five cubic feet of family rancor."

"...Mom, can you get me a glass of wine?"

"Will you turn that TV down? Can't you see I'm on the phone?"

"I have the kids Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. She has them Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday they're free-range.

"No, we're not there yet because your father refuses to ask for directions!"

"It took some figuring, but I think I figured out how to handle a temperamental teenager."

'Would you like me to have a word with educational psychologist about Julie?'

"Why do they tell us not to be childish? We're only nine!"

Triplets

"He fights me when I tell him to take a nap. When I reword it and say go reboot, he doesn't have a problem."

'I don't think he'll be having a party next year - I heard his mother scream 'Never again'.'

'We usually have some trouble getting organized the first day of school.'

"And the lovely, little daughter understood her daddy was tired from harvesting people's personal data all day and went to sleep. The end."

"When you head off to camp, your parents will want to see some separation anxiety."

'Get real, Larry!'

"He's at that awkward age when they can try him as an adult."

"Can you hold that thought until I consult my new 'Excuses For Mom' app?"

"Dad's working out car charging points if we want to visit grandad."

"And the important thing is to make sure you wake them up every hour during the night."

"At least now when mom and dad fight it's quieter."

"Mommy want you to have everything she had when she was growing up."