Parenting Know-it-alls Gifts

"Support the head!"

'The child is very illogical'

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

'He's the one who needs obedience training!'

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

"That is one absorbent nappy."

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

"Ah...here they are!"

"Another reckless baby driver! I'd arrest the whole lot of them if they weren't so damn cute."

'The food is great, but it's embarrassing the way she always insists on burping you.'

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

"It's true, mommy...the chocolate bunny attacked me - it was self-defense!"

"Instead of taking a bath couldn't I just run through a carwash?"

"If you find authority intolerable, remember, you're in good company."

"Yes, he was very nice, Mom, but he had to cut the date short because it was... 'report card time'!"

The modern generation!

'Is it okay to apologize for something I'm going to do?'

"I'm the last to go home because my parents are still fine tuning their work-life balance."

"It's difficult to attract a younger customer when our main demographic is babies."

'This is Tyler; he's mommy's precious little feral-angel.'

Businessman with briefcase pushes stroller with baby and its briefcase.

'At midnight, we go over the wall.'

Sometimes nature not only calls; she makes an emergency breakthrough.

"Anything interesting happen over the weekend, Frank?"

Toilet Training

'Then, after a while, the pitter patter of tiny running shoes.'

'I changed my mind...I'm not thirsty anymore.'

'Sorry, he can't come out and play. He's grounded.'

'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'

"Now you know how Daddy feels when Mommy overdraws the checkbook."

Look at it this way: You're changing the future of the nation...one diaper at a time!