Parenting Know-it-alls Pillows

"Support the head!"

'The child is very illogical'

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

"Well, I had 'the talk' with him.

'He's the one who needs obedience training!'

"Now that I can talk, here's my speaking fee."

'Change is inevitable, espeically when you have a newborn in diapers."

Well, we thought we had childproofed the house

"That is one absorbent nappy."

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

"Ah...here they are!"

"It's true, mommy...the chocolate bunny attacked me - it was self-defense!"

"Oh look—he fell asleep when you told me about your day."

'The food is great, but it's embarrassing the way she always insists on burping you.'

"Another reckless baby driver! I'd arrest the whole lot of them if they weren't so damn cute."

"Instead of taking a bath couldn't I just run through a carwash?"

He can't talk yet, but he still gets the last word.

'This is Tyler; he's mommy's precious little feral-angel.'

'Is it okay to apologize for something I'm going to do?'

"I'm the last to go home because my parents are still fine tuning their work-life balance."

"It's difficult to attract a younger customer when our main demographic is babies."

"Yes, he was very nice, Mom, but he had to cut the date short because it was... 'report card time'!"

Businessman with briefcase pushes stroller with baby and its briefcase.

The modern generation!

"If you find authority intolerable, remember, you're in good company."

'At midnight, we go over the wall.'

Sometimes nature not only calls; she makes an emergency breakthrough.

"Anything interesting happen over the weekend, Frank?"

'I changed my mind...I'm not thirsty anymore.'

'Sorry, he can't come out and play. He's grounded.'

'Then, after a while, the pitter patter of tiny running shoes.'

Toilet Training

They grow up so fast, so we're already putting money away for bail.

"Don't make me turn this covered wagon around!"