Parenting Jester Gifts

"When Daddy goes by, make sure he can see how bored we are."

"Mom and Dad have to migrant now, so we're leaving you with the au pair."

"Let's start screaming now. It's five AM somewhere."

Toddler in the Bed: A Journey

'So then I thought... why not buy big magnets?'

'Just because Buster got a tattoo doesn't mean that you have to!'

"Well, if I can't throw them, why are they called 'throw pillows'?"

"The principal called? Should I lawyer up?"

"I know what this is, it's what mum and dad call 'working from home'...

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

"At $4 a dozen, it's hard to balance a career and a family."

A Mix Up Between the Buggy and Lawn Mower.

'You change him, and I'll change the tire.'

Dad Trophies

'A generous layer of vaseline makes an excellent tickle repellent!'

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

'If you take this job, you will need child care... that's my second job.'

"Yeah, I'm still scared of it too, but the worst part is that it seems to be GROWING...."

'Ms. Blumter, please get me a copy of Educational Leadership for Dummies.'

Three card brag - I'm great! I'm really handsome & I'm very rich.

"Bogeyman under your bed? Oh, no, sweetie, there's no room under there… unlike your closet."

"You might need to remind Mrs. Sanders it's 'bring your DAUGHTER to work' day."

"Congratulations, Mr and Mrs Starmer. It's a tool!"

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

"No, four glasses of water was enough. . . now I have to go to the bathroom!"

"Congratulations! It's a pain in the ass."

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

'Fear of getting caught is understandable but fear of water, I think, requires counselling.'

'How's daddy's little deductions doing?'

'Mummy, why did you teach me to walk?'

"The main skill you need in parenting, is the ability to surreptitiously eat chocolate."

"My family argues so much over living in the city or country that it makes me feel like pulled pork."

"All rise."

"My entire family's coming for the holidays."