Parenthood Jester Gifts

Ok, you were right. The Sumo diaper was a bad idea.

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

"Your baby is fine, but we're keeping her overnight as a precaution. Here's a loaner."

"The main skill you need in parenting, is the ability to surreptitiously eat chocolate."

"I know what this is, it's what mum and dad call 'working from home'...

Baby pram as a tank

'Congratulations! You've just downloaded a baby boy.'

'He does.'

"Now that I can talk, here's my speaking fee."

man fishing at a dock sees a billboard: Do You Know It's Anniversary

"Because he's illiterate. That's why I have to read to him all the time."

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

"So, how was your day at work, Dear?"

"Yeah, I'm still scared of it too, but the worst part is that it seems to be GROWING...."

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

'Hey Mum, look what I caught!'

'Mom says she has a souffl

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

"You might need to remind Mrs. Sanders it's 'bring your DAUGHTER to work' day."

'Trust me, the term 'blissfully pregnant' is an oxymoron.'

"No, four glasses of water was enough. . . now I have to go to the bathroom!"

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'You're due in September, however, since you're not mentally ready, let's make it October!'

'She just came down the stairs without walking.'

"I see a girl, I see a marriage, I see her not understanding you, I see a beer belly. Do you want me to go on?"

"Weeds are like kids. They grow up so fast."

"I needed a gig to tide me over between baby booms."

'She said her first words today.'

"Really? After all these years of you begging me to let you come and howl at the moon, now that you're a teenager, it's not cool to be seen with your dad!"

"My family argues so much over living in the city or country that it makes me feel like pulled pork."

"My entire family's coming for the holidays."

"All rise."

'Male, 38, still living with his parents. They asked us to keep him overnight, so they could change the locks.'