Parenthood Joker Gifts

'Believe me honey - YOU don't need to do the pelvic floor!!'

"It's the U.N. inspectors, Michael. They want access to your room."

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

Baby pram as a tank

'Don't bother Daddy -- He fell in the moat again.'

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

"I said, was... it... a... difficult... birth?"

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

"Bogeyman under your bed? Oh, no, sweetie, there's no room under there… unlike your closet."

Baby Race.

'Mummy, why did you teach me to walk?'

"The main skill you need in parenting, is the ability to surreptitiously eat chocolate."

'She said her first words today.'

'I hear you can tell how big they will get by the size of their feet.'

'Hold on a minute with that stuff! That 'infestation' just happens to be your kids on a Saturday morning!'

This is our 36th nap today - I can't read you a bedtime story EVERY time.

I know you do your mating dance just to embarrass the kids.

Let the #&(%?;! pigeon drive the bus

'Evan, I think your little sister may be trapped in there with you!. . . Jennifer! Are you in there, honey?'

'There's been no stopping him since he said his first word this morning!'

'Oh look Julia, he's just text me his first word.'

"Little Ethan is quite the handful, but Susan and I have no regrets about stealing him from the maternity ward."

"Your baby is fine, but we're keeping her overnight as a precaution. Here's a loaner."

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

'I dressed myself.'

Dad Dancing.

"Amanda, did you throw you shoes away again?"

"Good news, hon. They defunded Planned Parenthood."

"We discussed a lot of options but decided on a water birth."

"Sure, Mom's eager to get us back to school, but she could have stopped the car!"

'What? Didn't your parents ever tell you who delivers babies???'

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

12 step program

Ok, you were right. The Sumo diaper was a bad idea.

'You can't tell me what to do! You're not my 'ruler'! Heck, you're not even my real dad!'