Parenthood Joker Gifts

'Believe me honey - YOU don't need to do the pelvic floor!!'

"It's the U.N. inspectors, Michael. They want access to your room."

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

Baby pram as a tank

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

"I said, was... it... a... difficult... birth?"

'Don't bother Daddy -- He fell in the moat again.'

"Bogeyman under your bed? Oh, no, sweetie, there's no room under there… unlike your closet."

Baby Race.

'Mummy, why did you teach me to walk?'

'I hear you can tell how big they will get by the size of their feet.'

"The main skill you need in parenting, is the ability to surreptitiously eat chocolate."

'She said her first words today.'

'Hold on a minute with that stuff! That 'infestation' just happens to be your kids on a Saturday morning!'

Let the #&(%?;! pigeon drive the bus

'Oh look Julia, he's just text me his first word.'

'There's been no stopping him since he said his first word this morning!'

"Your baby is fine, but we're keeping her overnight as a precaution. Here's a loaner."

"We discussed a lot of options but decided on a water birth."

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

"Amanda, did you throw you shoes away again?"

"Good news, hon. They defunded Planned Parenthood."

'I dressed myself.'

Dad Dancing.

"Little Ethan is quite the handful, but Susan and I have no regrets about stealing him from the maternity ward."

"Sure, Mom's eager to get us back to school, but she could have stopped the car!"

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

'You can't tell me what to do! You're not my 'ruler'! Heck, you're not even my real dad!'

"Three junior meals and a vasectomy, please."