Parenthood Comedian Gifts

"I've never been able to get the weight off since Fiona and I had our first baby."

'Can I invite my friends round to watch, Mom?'

'I'm not happy with his latest school photo.'

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

"I said, was... it... a... difficult... birth?"

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

"Mum, Dad, I think I might be bipedal."

'Don't bother Daddy -- He fell in the moat again.'

'sugar and spice my eye.'

'She said her first words today.'

"How unprofessional. There's no brochure on the services and facilities I can expect in here."

"Remember this about new babysitters - making rules and enforcing them are two different things.".

'I hear you can tell how big they will get by the size of their feet.'

"I'm sure he wasn't that big when we went out

'Hold on a minute with that stuff! That 'infestation' just happens to be your kids on a Saturday morning!'

This is our 36th nap today - I can't read you a bedtime story EVERY time.

Chicken With Stroller

Worse case of chicken pox I've ever seen!

Beware of teething baby.

"She's cute all right. But, whoa, what a narcissist!"

It went even worse than I expected - She got custody of the kids and me.

'Hey Dad, can I borrow the car?'

"For the love of God Billy, you've got to stop putting things up your nose!"

Let the #&(%?;! pigeon drive the bus

'...And there's the hands - it looks like - well, it looks like he's texting.'

I know you do your mating dance just to embarrass the kids.

'Oh look Julia, he's just text me his first word.'

'There's been no stopping him since he said his first word this morning!'

'... And, don't worry about his future. I'm sure my Son will give him a job, when they grow up.'

'I dressed myself.'

Dad Dancing.

"Sure, Mom's eager to get us back to school, but she could have stopped the car!"

'What? Didn't your parents ever tell you who delivers babies???'

'Dad's my roadie.'