Parenthood Comedian Gifts

"I've never been able to get the weight off since Fiona and I had our first baby."

'I'm not happy with his latest school photo.'

'Can I invite my friends round to watch, Mom?'

"Darling... I think the Baby's been eating the fridge magnets again."

'Don't bother Daddy -- He fell in the moat again.'

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

"I said, was... it... a... difficult... birth?"

'Oh, don't mind Jeff. It's just his turn to change the Baby's nappy.'

'sugar and spice my eye.'

Chicken With Stroller

'She said her first words today.'

"How unprofessional. There's no brochure on the services and facilities I can expect in here."

'Hold on a minute with that stuff! That 'infestation' just happens to be your kids on a Saturday morning!'

"I'm sure he wasn't that big when we went out

'I hear you can tell how big they will get by the size of their feet.'

"Remember this about new babysitters - making rules and enforcing them are two different things.".

Worse case of chicken pox I've ever seen!

"She's cute all right. But, whoa, what a narcissist!"

'...And there's the hands - it looks like - well, it looks like he's texting.'

Let the #&(%?;! pigeon drive the bus

"For the love of God Billy, you've got to stop putting things up your nose!"

'Hey Dad, can I borrow the car?'

Beware of teething baby.

'There's been no stopping him since he said his first word this morning!'

'Oh look Julia, he's just text me his first word.'

'... And, don't worry about his future. I'm sure my Son will give him a job, when they grow up.'

Dad Dancing.

'I dressed myself.'

"Sure, Mom's eager to get us back to school, but she could have stopped the car!"

'Dad's my roadie.'