Parenting Jesters Gifts

"Oh, oh!!"

Feeding the baby

A baby watching coronaviruses on television

'The good teen-age mime chooses to study for an exam, while the bad one chooses to steal hubcaps.'

Dad Trophies

Who should I call first? 911 or Technical Support?

Three card brag - I'm great! I'm really handsome & I'm very rich.

"Congratulations! It's a pain in the ass."

'How's daddy's little deductions doing?'

"The main skill you need in parenting, is the ability to surreptitiously eat chocolate."

I'd like to donate to your theater, but

"I'm treating you like a living deity for one day."

"Can't you just relax and enjoy my childhood."

'Did you find any clothes?'

"You're making a complete ass of yourself, Rodney!"

"When I said change the baby, I meant his diapers!"

Pumping up wig in blender.

'Congratulations. It's a latch key kid.'

"Your baby is fine, but we're keeping her overnight as a precaution. Here's a loaner."

'Goodnight honey... did you remember to unplug the baby?'

Possible Titles For My Upcoming Autobiography

Toddler in the Bed: A Journey

Ok, you were right. The Sumo diaper was a bad idea.

"Day 1: Back in the carrier."

'Just because Buster got a tattoo doesn't mean that you have to!'

The cost of bringing up children soars to more than £140,000.

'Nope.'

"I can't continue working these hours...I feel as though I'm missing Michael's childhood...." "His name's Mark!"

I'll be home tomorrow, dear - I left dinner and directions for you. Frozen worms.

"Mom and Dad have to migrant now, so we're leaving you with the au pair."

"We're having some marital issues... we hardly talk anymore!"

"The principal called? Should I lawyer up?"

"Everything looks fine. Now, let's check the baby's FICO score."

'At first I wanted a brother... but I changed my mind. I want a puppy.'

Oh, girls...if you refer to me as 'Room Service' one more time, it's the last sleep-over.