Parenting Humor Collector Pillows

"What did I learn in school today? How should I know?"

'Just wait till your husband gets home!'

"Let me know when those two kids cross the street start crying."

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

Madonna of the Pukes.

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

"I'm sure you'll grow into it, darling."

'We had the baby's ultrasound photo made into wallpaper.'

Fat Kid 10- Eats an ice-cream

"This is nice, but I can't help but think we forgot something."

"No, I don’t find it funny that her first words are ‘South Park’!"

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'

"You can't prove that I broke it! Where's your physical evidence? Fingerprints or a DNA profile?"

My Dad, trying to look young. The cap hides his bald spot and the sweatshirt hides his gut!

Young golf ball getting "the talk".

"Your children are adorable...and so shiny!" "Thanks. I them in dish detergent."

The Poky Little Pupa.

"He doesn't really talk yet, but he does some sound bites."

"I'm all for pushing them out of the nest, but maybe next time we could wait till they hatch."

"I need to know who started it."

'I'm afraid he's at that age when he's into everything!'

"I have a feeling he understands more than we think."

'I'm just exercising my first amendment rights.'

"Your mother and I are feeling overwhelmed, so you'll have to bring yourselves up."

"Good news. It's a small pig."

"It may not look like it to you, but trust me, he's hyperactive. It's exhausting!"

Trick or Tweet

"Beds are not made for jumping on."

'It was the little darling's first time sitting up at the dining table!'

"Have you seen my dad?"

:Come on sweetie, you know the rule: You need to finish your chocolate cake before you can have your carrots...'

'Budget cuts have forced us to drop our day-care program. I've contacted your mother to come and pick you up.'

"She said that girls mature faster than boys, so I pulled her hair."

"Instead of taking a bath can I wear a flea collar?"