Parenthood Satirist Gifts

"I exiled the lot of them. How are your kids?"

'Can I invite my friends round to watch, Mom?'

'I'm not happy with his latest school photo.'

'Don't bother Daddy -- He fell in the moat again.'

"You got the dolls yesterday? My mom says I took nine months!"

"I said, was... it... a... difficult... birth?"

The Mothership

"I'm sure he wasn't that big when we went out

"You're getting a nanny. We decided to outsource our parenting"

"How unprofessional. There's no brochure on the services and facilities I can expect in here."

'I hear you can tell how big they will get by the size of their feet.'

'She said her first words today.'

'Hold on a minute with that stuff! That 'infestation' just happens to be your kids on a Saturday morning!'

Worse case of chicken pox I've ever seen!

'...And there's the hands - it looks like - well, it looks like he's texting.'

"For the love of God Billy, you've got to stop putting things up your nose!"

Let the #&(%?;! pigeon drive the bus

"Hey. Smells funny. Fix it. And bring me a beer."

'There's been no stopping him since he said his first word this morning!'

'Oh look Julia, he's just text me his first word.'

'Apparently the poor love's walkman is broken.'

'It's time you knew, Son -- you were abandoned here as a child by aliens.'

Children Demand Parental Term Limits.

Dad Dancing.

'I dressed myself.'

"Of course Daddy could explain what a superconducting supercollider is, sweetie, but just at the moment Daddy is watching 'America's Most Wanted.'"

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

"Sure, Mom's eager to get us back to school, but she could have stopped the car!"

'That's the most extreme linear nigra I've ever seen!!'