Parental Wink Pillows

'I did have an eventful day at school, but nothing, in my opinion, to write home about.'

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

A Tit for Tat.

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

"Where's your nose?"

"Bogeyman under your bed? Oh, no, sweetie, there's no room under there… unlike your closet."

"I'm just having fruit for dinner. Well, mostly grapes. OK, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I'm having wine for dinner."

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

"How come I always get the crying baby right behind me?"

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

'My teacher sends report cards as PDF attachments. Luckily, my parents have no idea how to open computer files.'

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

You and your alternative pregnancy.

"Mom can really push my buttons. She installed them."

"Do you actually trust that thing?"

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

'Don't clean me up too good... no one will recognize me.'

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

'I promise you we'll have him out of here real fast... we need the rest.'

"The fish isn't renewable, but I know the fisherman has 6 kids and counting."

'This buggy gets only about one mile per gal.'

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'

'....How many babies are you going to have, mommy?"

"Look what I found in the garage! My old music speakers!"

"I'll explain later."

Boho Bribes

"Before you know it, they'll be all grown up and moved to Brooklyn."

Children Who Have Given Up Soap For Lent

'Yeah, my Mum is a clean-freak too: I have to wash my food before I eat it...'

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'

'Hello? Animal control?'

'for the record, it tasted like black licorice.'