Parental Wink Pillows

'I did have an eventful day at school, but nothing, in my opinion, to write home about.'

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

A Tit for Tat.

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

"Where's your nose?"

"I'm just having fruit for dinner. Well, mostly grapes. OK, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I'm having wine for dinner."

"Bogeyman under your bed? Oh, no, sweetie, there's no room under there… unlike your closet."

"How come I always get the crying baby right behind me?"

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

'My teacher sends report cards as PDF attachments. Luckily, my parents have no idea how to open computer files.'

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

You and your alternative pregnancy.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"Do you actually trust that thing?"

"Mom can really push my buttons. She installed them."

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

'Don't clean me up too good... no one will recognize me.'

'I promise you we'll have him out of here real fast... we need the rest.'

"The fish isn't renewable, but I know the fisherman has 6 kids and counting."

'This buggy gets only about one mile per gal.'

"I'll explain later."

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'

"Look what I found in the garage! My old music speakers!"

'....How many babies are you going to have, mommy?"

Boho Bribes

"I understand that by the time we've hit our teens we'll have them pretty much where we want them."

'Yeah, my Mum is a clean-freak too: I have to wash my food before I eat it...'

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'

"Before you know it, they'll be all grown up and moved to Brooklyn."

Children Who Have Given Up Soap For Lent

'for the record, it tasted like black licorice.'