Cheeky Parent Pillows

'We save a fortune each year by running our children through a tax haven.'

Striving to reduce our dependence on fossil fuels, scientists attempt to harness the energy of a toddler's tantrum.

''C-minus'? ??" Do you know how long it took me to find and download this term paper?'

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

In case of Emergency: Break Glass

"I never subscribed to Hobbes' state of nature theory until the night we left the kids without a sitter."

'We're playing trampoline, mom.'

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

"Unfortunately, at this age I express glee and stark raving terror in the exact same way."

"Giant Sequoias'- with apologies to the Encyclopedia Britannica."

"Blame the scientists who are teaching me sign-language Mum: It's not my fault if it's easier to learn the rude signs..."

'Would it make a difference if I told you I was listening to book on audio?'

"All right, what's it going to take to make this homework go away?"

Martians looking at Earth - 'One day son, all this will be yours.'

'Next time your kid has a party, blow up the balloons with an airpump!'

'My wife and I can't have dogs!'

Sticking out tongue

"No dessert until you eat all your candy."

"The fish isn't renewable, but I know the fisherman has 6 kids and counting."

"Math would have been a 'A' if you factor in the fudge factor. I got caught fudging on the final."

Kate's Evil Plan: 'Danae...I got a letter from your teacher today...she say's you've been very well-behaved lately...and is worried about what you're really up to.'

'I said you could have ONE cookie!' 'I know. I took two HALF moon cookies...'

'Actually the twins are not hard to tell apart. When I put them down, the one that cries is Dennis.'

'We're looking for somebody in medical research.'

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

'I can't sleep Dad. Tell me another scary story?'

Mobile Phone Mobile.

I'm going to have a baby girl soon. What's a good name for a baby girl, Randy? Wait … you're going to have a what? Tell me you didn't just say what I think you said, little buddy. I'm going to have a baby girl. Met a lady, we fell in love, got married, and now we're going to have a baby girl. Wait ... you're talking about some video game, aren't you? I'm thinking of naming her SIMantha, but that might bee too obvious.

"Since I'm your favorite student, do I even have to take this test?"

Our Yuppie Dad

'We just have to stop meeting like this!'

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

'Dinner was taking too long, so I just went ahead and ordered pizza.'

"Hey! Are you staring at my assets?!"

'Come on. You've been nursing that pint for hours!'